One Woman's Journey Back to Life

Day 7

i soooo want to eat my son's mac 'n cheese w/ peas right now. i've halfway cheated as is, having swigged some of his pasteurized orange juice. it was after drinking that that i started heavily craving, feeling like i might as well go all the way. something about commercial orange juice is wrong. i don't know what "tricalcium phosphate" is but i don't digest it well. it feels like something heavy in my stomach, almost milk-like in comparison.

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Day 6

I'm too tired for words. I did some reading on iron-deficiency anemia, and there are far more symptoms than being chilly all the time. My nails, especially recently, have always been brittle. I'm constantly tired of late, and actually just woke from a long nap, but feel totally unrested. I've been having weird dreams this week, too. Very vivid and interesting. If I could psych myself out of feeling sleepy, I know I'd feel better once I did some yoga.

I just "talked" to my mother. My aunt put the phone to her ear, and I was able to tell her I loved her, and that it was ok.

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Day 5

I didn't do yoga last night, but I also didn't order chicken and cheesecake.

The phone call with the doctor about my mother was horrific. She's not expected to live through the weekend. My brothers are with her, and I'll be there... not sure when. I don't want to see her how she is now, honestly, nor to give that memory to my son. But I'm feeling like not having a gut full of garbage is helping me cope. I told myself that I could eat whatever I wanted, if I chose - who would blame me? But I didn't. I did have store-bought grape juice, though. As cheating goes, that's ok.

My energy's been low, and I haven't wanted to get on the mat. Maybe tomorrow.

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Day 4

I lost the mystery weight I put on yesterday, but am back at the point I was on Tuesday. I'm fighting the urge to order something insane like fried chicken and cheesecake, because I'm dealing with some difficult, confusing emotions.

I got a call today from a hospital. My mother, who I was taken from at age 2, is there, dying of AIDS, and they want to talk to the family tomorrow at 1pm. I also have to go to court in the morning, which has been causing lots of stress. My usual response to this kind of helpless angst would be to eat, so that I literally couldn't feel the knots in my stomach. Today, I'd like to go to bed having done yoga instead.

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Day 3

Grrrr... 260 this morning, 262 an hour later. I didn't exercise much beyond walking around a convenience store, so it's not that I'm surprised. Well, yeah, I am surprised still. But I do understand how the body works, and mine has been sent into survival mode, and my metabolism is screeching to a halt. My plan was to do yoga during the juice feast portion of my journey, but I felt so tired and lazy today... I was tempted to buy an energy drink while I was in the store getting my enema kit, but I didn't. I guess the exhaustion could also be from yesterday's Benadryl still being in my system. That wasn't the best choice, but I couldn't take the sneezing and discomfort any longer. I'd like to do yoga or pilates tonight, but if I don't, it's ok. I know I won't have any success unless and until I work out. Soon come.

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How Can You not Love this Guy?

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Day 2

I hadn't planned on having the time to write this morning, but I have to. I know it was just water, but I had an 8.4 lb weight loss between yesterday and today! And I didn't even get to weigh myself first thing in the morning, so I probably was more than 268. Very inspiring to see results so soon, though I'm aware this won't be the daily average. As for the ticker, I entered 164 as my goal weight, though that's totally arbitrary. My body will find its normal.

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